You Had Me At Jell-O

MERK: What about her?

ASA: What about her?

MERK: She’s got that look you like.

ASA: Yeah? What look is that?

MERK: Busted nose. Snaggle tooth. The Asa special.

Ah, Friday night in Baltimore, Maryland. After a grueling five-day workweek, in the yuppiecenter of an otherwise impoverished city, young people congregate in the two blocks by two blocks square of watering holes along the Inner Harbor. The girls occupy most of the prime estate at the bar, if they aren’t out on the socially created dance floor (which usually ends up being right in front of the bathroom door). Their hyper protective boyfriends are usually not far behind, keeping a vigilant eye on their significant other. This vigilant eye is to make sure none of the creepers breach their perimeter. These creepers are the perpetually single guys that almost universally line the walls of these establishments, plotting their next move, looking for an opening or weakness, trying not to get rejected in front of their only other social barometers.

MERK: I’ve seen that look before. I know that look. The look that she’s trying to get some D!

The way Merk said that was almost rhythmic.

ASA: That’s what you said about the girls downstairs, and the last bar, and the bar before that. What time is it even? No girl ever just wants D because you say so; at least not from people like us.

MERK: It’s only 10:30. C’mon I can almost smell coming off of them. Let’s go.

Merk Miles was the pushy type who never let rational thoughts get anywhere near his head. He had determination though. Sometimes, you had to admire that. He began to subtly push his roommate, Asa towards the bar, where two young blonds and a brunette were sitting. The less hot blond had a cheetah print shawl draped over her shoulders.

Merk pushed a little too hard. Asa accidently bumped his pelvic region into the brunette’s back, causing her to turn around. Uh oh, she had a bit of a snarl on her face. Asa then opened his mouth to apologize, before being cut off.

MERK: He’s extremely sorry. I think he’s had one too many. The guy can’t usually handle his liquor.

The girls looked at each other and rolled their eyes, turn back to the bar. Asa and Merk looked at each other. Asa motioned that they should retreat, while Merk went ahead and put his arms around the prime blonde and the sole brunette. That left the beta blond open to appeal. Merk was such a gem. Asa leaned over and gave it his best shot.

ASA: I like your cheetah print here. You don’t see too much of that anymore. You know, with PETA and what not.

BRUNETTE: It’s clearly not real.

ASA: I was joking…I just like the pattern.

BRUNETTE: You know only gay men like this pattern, right?

ASA: Well, I just think it’s nostalgic.

BRUNETTE: So you’ve always been a gay man?

ASA: No, no, I’m straight. I just had a beanbag chair that had a cheetah pattern on it. The fastest animal on land and what not? You know?

BRUNETTE: Beanbag chair? What’re you even talking about, dude?
ASA: I should have mentioned that I was five when I had this beanbag chair.

BRUNETTE: Whatever, it’s still weird.

She turned towards the bar and took another sip from her drink. She didn’t turn back around. Asa wondered if anyone else had witnessed that embarrassing rejection. He looked over to see Merk getting pushed away by the prime blonde’s nose tackle-esque boyfriend. Merk being Merk, started to spouted off a few select words for the whole group, and then walked to the back bar. Asa followed, keeping his head down while passing the group. As he turned through the archway to the back bar, an even primer blond (if that’s possible) with that girl-next-door spin started to exit. Asa stopped. She stopped. Asa smiled. She smiled. Asa chuckled and moved to his left to allow her to pass. She went right at the same exact time. They both chuckled. This repeated three additional times, until the blond turned around.

BLOND: I’ll just go this way. C’mon, you can buy me a drink.

Asa stood there dumbfounded. It was incomprehensible to him that a girl that cute, that charming, that inviting, would make a complete 180 turn and move in his favor.

BLOND: Is that your thing? You just stand in the doorway to stop girls from leaving the back bar?

Asa regained his composure and followed her to an open spot at the bar. Asa leaned on the bar with one elbow as coolly as he had learned and just marveled at her. He probably should have said something then, as to not look drunk, or worse, like a creeper.

BLOND: So, you haven’t said anything in…well actually, you’ve said nothing at all. You are capable of speech?

Snapping back to reality, Asa cleared his throat and prayed he didn’t say anything belligerent.

ASA: Yes, haha I’m sorry.

BLOND: Spectacular! You look like you had a rough day, having struggled so hard to get those words out. I’m buying you a drink. What’ll you have?

ASA: No, that’s not neccess…

BLOND: Yeah, yeah…strong man, chivalrous, blah blah…Jack Daniels?

ASA: Let’s do it. I’m Asa, what’s you’re name?

BLOND: Hey Asa. Oh, it sounds better when you say it aloud! I’m Maddie. Nice to meet you.

Maddie leaned over the bar, immediately capturing the attention of the bartender. Asa’s lifetime average weight time was approximately 4.5 minutes. There had to be a better way. There wasn’t; not then at least. It wouldn’t be until about 2015 that MTO bars would take off and become profitable.

MADDIE: Two shots of Jack, and two Bud Heavies.

BARKEEP: Twelve dollars.

MADDIE: Thanks, friend!

Not that he was counting, but I’m pretty sure that same order came to twenty-five dollars when Asa ordered it. No…that’d be crazy.

MADDIE: To us! The best dancers in this place!

ASA: Cheers.

Asa smiled and watched Maddie for a split second, just to watch how she took the shot, and then he took his. Good company always makes Jack Daniels taste better. And just like fate, a table cleared up right next to the duo. They sunk onto the stools and leaned in close.

ASA: So where are you from?

MADDIE: Just a couple blocks away. Potomac and Foster. What about you? Are you a neighborhood boy?

ASA: Haha not natively, but I live on Potomac and Fleet.

MADDIE: I’m surprised I’ve never seen you before.

ASA: Oh, I’m not that lucky.

Just then, Asa saw Merk out of the corner of his eye. Asa immediately started to panic. He immediately pictured Merk coming over and saying something unimpressively chauvinistic. Merk just stood there, looking rather hurt actually. He then gave Asa thumbs up, and disappeared into the crowd. What a totally unexpected move from Merk. Respect. Asa quickly fixated his gaze back to Maddie.

MADDIE: Was that your roommate or something?

ASA: Yeah, how’d you know that?

MADDIE: He actually hit on me earlier. I hate to say it, but you can do better in the wingman department.

ASA: He’s a friend from back home. You know, the type you stick with, through thick and thin?

MADDIE: Aw, that’s cute…for now. I guess that means we just have to go back to my place. Why don’t we chug these and go right now?

ASA: It’s only 10:30…

MADDIE: Are you serious right now? You’re a hard stallion to break Asa. Have it your way.

ASA: That reverse psychology failed hard, huh? Let’s crush these and roll out.

Asa wasn’t usually one for chugging beer. He was extra sensitive to the carbonation for some reason. It usually made him look like a jackass, but somehow, just this once, he was able to finish the bottle without spilling the last tenth all over his shirt. On the downside, Maddie finished about three seconds beforehand, enough time to slam the empty bottle down in unspoken victory. As he was finishing the last drops, Asa expected Maddie to rip a loud gastric bellow after such a dominating intake of carbon dioxide. She didn’t. She cocked an eyebrow.

MADDIE: Ready?

He was.

That is, he was until Asa’s favorite artist came up on the playlist. Delighted, Asa started to turn around to tell Maddie how much he loved that particular track, when he stopped dead in his tracks. Maddie was singing the words! Just as Asa was about to declare his undying love for this stranger, a Jell-o shot girl interjected.

JELL-O SHOT GIRL: How about a Jell-o Shot made with Bees Knees vodka?

MADDIE: Oh, why the hell not? We’re celebrating! We’ll take two.

ASA: What’re we celebrating?

MADDIE: Life?

ASA: I really like your style. Definitely feelin’ it.

MADDIE: I do what I can. To The Glamour Muscles.

ASA: My favorite track too.

Asa briefly hummed along. The funny thing was, neither of them was a big drinker. It was one of those nights where they could drink their face off, a natural amphetamine coursing through their veins.

ASA: Do you mind waiting here? I want to take a lap to make sure my roommate isn’t half way through a fistfight.

MADDIE: Sure thing.

It’s important to note how loyal of a person Asa was back then. The funny thing about loyalty is that it hates dining alone. It gets rather bitter when it doesn’t have a reliable companion. Asa walked every inch of the bar, but was unable to locate Merk. He gave it his best try, so he returned to Maddie. As he approached the entrance of the bar, he saw another dude talking to her. This dude was a serious roid rager. Right then, the muscle head put his hand on Maddie’s shoulder as they shared what looked to be a rather hearty laugh. Feelings of jealousy immediately came to a head. Asa wasn’t the type to jump into confrontation, especially when there was a high probability his ass would receive a kicking, so he opted for an awkward half wave to her as he slide out the front door without making eye contact. The plan was successful; if you can call getting your soul mate poached at the last minute a success. Asa started on his way home when he heard a recently familiar voice call his name from behind.

MADDIE: Asa! What the hell was that?

ASA: What?

MADDIE: What? Are you serious right now?

ASA: Hey now, there’s no reason to be getting upset.

MADDIE: I’m not upset, I’m pissed. Why were you trying to sneak out of there? I thought we had a moment.

ASA: I wouldn’t classify it as sneak per se. We did have a moment.

MADDIE: Did you not want to come back to my place?

Asa hesitated. Maddie put her hand on her hip while awaiting his response.

ASA: It’s not that. I just thought you found someone else.

MADDIE: What someone else?

ASA: That guy, by the bar?

MADDIE: What about him?

ASA: Well, it looks like he was chatting you up pretty good. I mean, he looks like he’s…he looks like his body…that…he’s in some good shape.

MADDIE: Asa, you’re weirding me out. Do you have a thing for marines?

ASA: What?? No! I thought you would rather go home with him.

MADDIE: No, you idiot. That’s my brother.

ASA: Ooohhh.

Asa rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. Maddie’s silence didn’t let him off the hook that easily.

ASA: Well, then, should we go?

MADDIE: Now, I’m not sure. You looked a little wishy-washy in there, but I thought that was kind of cute; I didn’t think you were the prom queen of pusses. You were just going to let some dude swoop in and take me home?

ASA: It looked like that was what you wanted.

MADDIE: I thought I made it pretty clear what I wanted when I asked a complete stranger back to my house. I don’t do that all the time you know…you think I’m just some slut don’t you?

ASA: No not at all! I just was respecting your wishes!

MADDIE: God, Asa. Assert yourself sometime, huh?

ASA: Ok, look…can we start over?

Maddie just starred at Asa, like she couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. She used the narrow side of her index finger to remove some eye make-up gunk from the corner of her eye.

MADDIE: You’re lucky I have a good feeling about you Asa. Let’s go.

Asa couldn’t show it without looking even more pitiful, but a huge feeling of relief erupted inside him. The newly formed duo proceeded to walk the few blocks down Potomac Avenue, destination, Maddie’s spot. One point of note is that Asa maneuvered his body close enough to Maddie’s, mirroring her gate and step speed so adjoining their bodies would not have caused an undesirable awkwardness. Maddie noticed that her earlier chiding may have made some headway in giving Asa some self-confidence, and threaded her arm through the needle head that was Asa’s casual hand in his right jean pocket. Asa smiled and his heart skipped a beat. They walked in virtual silence, as though they both knew that any words might ruin the moment. When they arrived at Maddie’s place, she unhindged herself from Asa’s side and unlocked the door.

ASA: Maddie, wait.

Maddie turned around. She was eye-level with Asa when she stood on the stoop to her front door.

MADDIE: What’s wrong?

ASA: It’s just…well; I grew up kind of, uhh, conservative.

MADDIE: …and?

ASA: I think we should take things…slow.

MADDIE: Slow?

ASA: I really like you. We just met, and I sound kind of stalkerish.

MADDIE: What did you think was going to go on in here?

ASA: I’m not sure…

MADDIE: Again, you think I’m some big whore.

ASA: No, no not at all. I don’t know what I meant.

MADDIE: Maybe you should go home, Asa.

Asa could feel himself getting hotter.

ASA: All I wanted was for you to know that I respect you and want more from you than just sex. I like stability, and I like to know you’ll be around for more than just a one-night stand. Sorry.

Maddie stood on the stoop speechless. This was a new one for her. She began to question if Asa was actually attracted to her. Asa could see he just blew his chance for the second time. He turned around and started to walk to remaining few blocks to his own stoop. After about seven steps, Maddie called out to him.

MADDIE: Why do you really like me?

Asa stopped, dead in his tracks. He turned around to face her.

ASA: Excuse me?

MADDIE: You just said you really liked me and you were a stalker. If you’re going to stalk me, I want to know what it is you like about me. My hair? I did switch conditioners.

Asa chuckled inside. She’s so delightful.

ASA: I’d say I do. I’ve never met anyone so welcoming. It’s quite a refreshing change of pace.

MADDIE: Then call me sometime, when you’re a little less boneheaded.

Asa wondered if it was such a good idea. Obviously, it was easy for him to offend her. He didn’t know why she was offended, making it all the more likely he would misspeak. He nodded and continued to talk away.

MADDIE: How about you get my number? 555-555-5555.

ASA: Got it. Do you use Instant Message?

MADDIE: I do. Sometimes. Roxychic2211.

Roxychic221, Roxychic221, Roxychic221, Asa repeated to himself to remember the screen name. This put a little pep in his step and Asa was home in no time. He immediately ran to his bedroom/studio and sat down at his computer to add Roxychich2211 to his buddy list. She was online! Asa was tempted to shoot her a breezy IM immediately, but after contemplating if the three-day rule was applicable to modern forms of text based communications, he decided to compromise and wait one and a half. In the meantime, he was able to indulge himself in her ‘away’ message:

‘Doin’ me’

Classic Maddie.

Asa felt inspired at that moment. Earlier in the day, he had been working on a new track when he experienced some creative blockage. That creative blockage is what pushed Asa to accept Merk’s offer to go out and blow off some steam. Merk. For once, the guy’s idea turned out to be golden. Asa wouldn’t have met Maddie if it wasn’t for Merk pestering him relentlessly to leave his bedroom/studio. Merk. Where was Merk? Asa got up from his computer and went to check Merk’s bedroom. Upon first glance, it appeared that Merk’s bed was empty. Asa flicked the light switch to get a confirming look. Nothing. Asa began to feel slightly uneasy. Merk had never once NOT slept in his own bed. Asa walked out of Merk’s bedroom, his concern growing with each step. Asa walked downstairs to check the kitchen. Nothing. There was, however, a disturbing odor coming from somewhere in the kitchen. Asa opened the refrigerator and inhaled deeply. No, that wasn’t the source. He then happened to glance in the sink. Bingo. In the aluminum basin was an offensive mixture of carrots, rice, broccoli, chicken, tequila and stomach acid. Merk had been here, but where was the body? The investigation then led Asa to the only remaining uncharted area of their house…the bathroom. Asa opened the bathroom door to an even more potent odor. On the floor of the bathroom, cuddle around the toilet, was Merk, with his pants down around his ankles, and vomit covering his shirt, face, and hair. You can’t quote me on this, but as I understand it, Merk hadn’t managed to even wipe his ass before losing consciousness. Fortunately for Merk, he was on his side, and appeared to be breathing. Asa decided it would be better for Merk to wake up under his own power and discover his corroded state, rather than endure the shock half-drunk in the middle of the night. He slowly backed out of the warzone and went back to his bedroom/studio. Asa then returned to his computer and launched his digital audio workstation to continue on the project he was working on before the creative block. After picking up his headphones, Asa checked Maddie’s away message to see if her idle time had changed, which would signal that she had been back to her computer since he had walked her home. Still idle. Asa got to work, starting with listening to the track he was working on so he could get back into fine-tuning.

You see, by trade Asa was a bus boy. He worked locally, cleaning the tables of a fairly trendy Italian restaurant. It was an establishment the newly elected Mayor of Baltimore frequented often. This was only his day job; something to pay the bills and keep a little change in Asa’s pocket. Asa’s passion was his music. He dreamed of becoming a big time producer one day. I hate to spoil the story, but I’ll tell you right now that this is not a dream that Asa ever had the chance to realize. In his defense, Asa did have incredible talent. He had an uncanny ability to compose something that could overtake your senses, something that could literally influence the way you felt. Seriously, scientists are just now unlocking Asa’s secret and understanding how he was able to tap into the subconscious with his music. The way he could do this naturally, without the aid of a subsonic mixer, was mind-bogglingly ridiculous. His build-ups could leave you nervous in anticipation, his hooks triumphant in accomplishment. Asa did, however, have some recent success with one of his tracks. It was purchased by an upcoming rapper from Cincinnati and made into a minor charting hit in that area. That track would be the reason that Cincinnati would go on to become the biggest market for the sugar-laden drink, Electropunch. Most importantly, it provided Asa with a little bit of money to fall back on.

Asa had decided that the track needed a slightly faster tempo, and a slightly lower pitch. After a couple of minutes tinkering with the controls of the music sequencer, Asa had achieved the results that he was looking for. He cracked a smile as he sat back, put his hands behind his head and listened to his rough masterpiece. After the third listen, Asa snapped to attention as he noticed Maddie’s away message had changed. It now said ‘ugh…tequila’. Asa could feel his jaw clenching. They hadn’t drunk tequila together. Asa wondered how long Maddie had been at that bar, and how many other guys she had seduced before she had met Asa. He was probably her last resort. Asa was always the last resort. Maddie was overtly friendly…she was probably just looking for a fling and thought Asa was the biggest loser for not going inside with her. Asa could feel himself becoming enraged over his missteps. He felt like such an idiot. He always sabotaged himself. He slid his chair back away from the computer screen. He needed a break.

He went back downstairs to get something to drink. As he was passing the bathroom, Asa got another whiff of the tequila vomit odor. Tequila. Asa hated tequila. He opened the bathroom door again, entering to check on Merk. Looking down on Merk, he got another nose full of the pungent smell. The pathetic guy was still alive at least. Asa’s mind found itself becoming sure that Maddie was on the prowl that night, just like every other girl in Baltimore. There was no way that she was genuinely interested in Asa. He was just the one who was at the right place at the right time. Asa stood up and exited the scene, continuing to his original destination. Once in the kitchen, he quenched his thirst with a bottle of sports drink. Electrolytes would help with the hang over Asa was surely going to encounter. He made his way back to his bedroom/studio and replaced the headphones to his ear.  His track was still playing. Soon, his fist began to bang on the desk in sync with the beat. Asa couldn’t help put stare at Maddie’s away message as the track repeated over and over. It was on the verge of perfect…it just needed a little something that Asa couldn’t put his finger on. His fist began to bang harder, but still in rhythm. Somehow, just then, the smell of tequila had penetrated Asa’s room. As the vapors entered his nostrils, a deadly connection was made in Asa’s head. Merk, Maddie and tequila. They had probably encountered each other in the back bar before Asa had arrived at the scene. Asa couldn’t stop piecing together the night that his still enraged mind had created for Maddie and Merk. He was sure that they were ripping shots of tequila together, hitting it off. Merk macking on Maddie. Maddie playfully flirting in response. Merk would’ve probably gone and taken Maddie up on her offer and went inside and showed her a good time. Merk would’ve been a real man and showed Maddie who was boss. Asa’s fist was no longer maintaining the beat of his track. He was wildly slamming his fist down onto his workstation. He couldn’t stand the vision any longer. He ripped the headphones off of his ear and stormed back downstairs to the bathroom that Merk was passed out in. As soon as he reached the bathroom doorway, the rage that Asa was feeling had reached a blinding threshold.  Asa was not conscious at all of what he was doing, nor did he have any recollection of his actions the following day. The only carry-over was the jaw ache Asa had from clenching his teeth all night. What happened next was absolutely stunning.

Asa entered the bathroom, rolled Merk on his back, covered his mouth with one hand, and pinched his nose with the other. After a few seconds, Merk attempted to inhale, but was cut short by the blockade that Asa had installed. Merk’s eyes began to roll under his eyelids as he continued his futile attempt for oxygen. His cold, black eyes suddenly shot open with a look of panic as he struggled for air. Asa coldly placed his knee on Merk’s chest so Merk wasn’t able to move, as he was trapped in between the toilet and the bathroom sink. Merk was helpless, as his inebriated equilibrium in addition to his peculiar positioning kept him from fighting Asa off. Merk’s muscles began to contract and spasm, while the veins in his neck began to bulge larger than Asa had ever seen. After a few more chocking attempts to force air into his lungs, and a few more thrashes of his pinned torso, Merk’s eyes slowly rolled back into his head as his once rigid body went limp.  Asa kept his hand over Merk’s mouth and his nose pinched for a few more minutes, just to make sure Merk wasn’t faking it. After he was sure that Merk had passed, Asa returned to his bedroom. He climbed under his comforter and settled into his bed as he stared at the bare wall. At some point that early morning, Asa’s eyes got too heavy to hold up.



If you liked what you read, please consider supporting a burgeoning artist.

© cBiZinc.  All rights reserved.